Well, seems the Firebox is where I get to play, so I'm playing through...


Norm, I've noted with other pieces of yours that you will sometimes use the archiaic 'front-end capping' of all lines and in others, you don't.  This one is surely my example of why you should not do this.  I had to go back too many times just trying to get through the first Q simply because of some missing punct as well as the way you're phrasing.  My initial read didn't net much to like from this because too many issues got in the way.  From a snapshot perspective, it's all there, but the delivery is a mess, imo.  I'll delineate below...


In this museum his love does reside 
>>>upon FIRST read, this is reverse syntaxed; one should be saying this as;
His love resides in this museum.
>>>then, because the next line is capped, I'm confirmed of this until I read further and realize, that line is also corrupted, so I went back to L1 and read over the cap and lo and behold, some sense.  I can see this opening couplet being read/said a couple of ways;
'In this museum, his love resides; 
through secret visits, he makes love at will.
(note; the awkward 'does' doesn't even need to be there and yes, destroys your sonnet filler but not supposed to do this anyhow, are ya?)
or;
In this museum, his love resides 
through secret visits; he makes love at will.
or
In this museum his love does reside--
through secret visits, he makes love at will.
>>>here, I even put back in your reversal because I can see the 'poet emphasis' you're MAYBE making.  In all this, for a first line/first couplet intro, there's too much confusion.  The archaism of capping front ends of all lines stops the rhythm for me and causes bumps.  The reversed syntax isn't a glare until you try to get into L2.   


Through secret visits he makes love at will; 
>>>already commented on this, above

His naked model looks where he does hide 
>>>again, more reversed syntax; are you doing this because the picture puts this theme in the old and yon?  Don't like this because it is not adding anyting for me.  If you're going to do this, where's all the thees and thous?
>>>should be said as; His naked model looks where he hides.

Behind that curtain viewing her so still. 
>>>more line caps, more missing punct; should be 'behind the curtain, viewing  her.   
>>>this 'still' is nebulous as you have written it; who's so still?  her or him?  I can read this either way.  More forced rhyme, syntax.  In all, this couplet too, should be written as;
'His naked model looks where he hides so still--behind the curtain, viewing her stillness, also.

>>>I can't even really approximate this because exactly what you were trying for, is not clear.   
 
He, the open book, (not she), stares in, 
>>>this is the line where I stopped reading and went to pure critique; this line is tortured with the paranthetical and the construction.  No smoothness, openly furthering the confusion for me.  This should be;
An open book, he stared in
>>>you don't even need the reference to her nor the awkward insert of the paranthetical.

Torn, "To be exposed," he is transfixed; 
>>>again, something which mystifies; why the quotes?  This the title of the pic?  Seems a play on a play of words and I'm not thinking this is helping this piece at all. Again, reconstruction gives;
torn to be exposed, he's transfixed.
>>>should I note the telly nature of the whole piece so far?  Not many seem to care, so twill just be another concept that is laid by the wayside.

With idealistic beauty 'neath her skin 
>>>I'm pretty sure you know that the 'masters' considered contractions for their forms verboten, so using it here sure seems like a way to make meter.  You've already twisted the meter, so just swap in the 'be' and make it between.

Her intuition knows his feeling's mixed. 
>>>gaaaah, what's going on with this piece?  I must surely be missing something as you are the missing word; are.  So, this line can say;
her iintuition knows his feeling's mixed...ah what? what have his feelings mixed?   
or
her intutition knows his feeling's ARE mixed.<<<in which case I have some sense to the line.

>>>for me, there is already too many paths to go down; the clarity for all its supposed surface lines, is muddled at best.

 
He's touched and longs to read her with his brush, 
>>>wait; where did we get the brush from?  No where have you said he's an artist; you paint him as an onlooker, a voyeur.  So, this 'brush' COULD be a hairbrush which is how I first took it; still with that hazy, ah, brush???

Though spatial and the temporal forbid; 
>>>and now we go from archiac demeanor and tone to one that is high tech; geez, not liking this mixing at all, Norm; spatial and temporal are soooo techie; you don't have a single word that is commensurate yet in this piece.  Surely you can keep the continuity and find subs.

The artist can do nothing more than hush 
>>>best line of the lot, imo

The truth, which through his art his pastels hid. 
>>>missing punct, again; the truth, which through his art, his pastels hid.
>>>this piece is a city intersection needing too many signs and lights for direction, methinks.
 
This reproduction, same as she was then 
>>>more missing punct; comma at line's end, minimally; an emm dash where the commas should be would be better, imo.

Is sketched and etched into his life again.
>>>sound is good


>>>couplet has the required snap; that's good.

Well, the ride was torturous, Norm, the picture that inspired you a very good one though.   

Sorry, but not much else I can say about this, hope to see a revision of this above the original, esp sans the archaism of front-end capping and a lot cleaner delivery re phrasing.

Michael

Lovely to hear this read. . .

I like the spondee too. . .in fact, feel it can be quite useful in a sonnet. . .

I'll be back in later. . .

~Ren~